Day off!

The past few weeks have been very busy for me. My mother is gone and I'm taking care of my disabled sibling. I figured I wouldn't mind doing this because my mother has been doing this for, oh, the past 31 years or so? Anyway, waking up early every day, being the full-time care taker of another person and going to lab had me drained by the end of the first week. It's definitely something to get used to and I finally see where my mother is coming from. On top of that, I've been trying to focus on verbal, the weak area of my MCAT score. But, yeah, it's been hard and it's been tiring.

On another note, I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. It all started when the grad student I work with told me a couple of weeks ago that all the females he knew who are in their mid-20s are looking for a serious relationship with marriage in mind. And, he also told me that he doesn't want to have kids. I asked him why he doesn't want kids and he said that the world is already overpopulated and him having kids is not going to help. Plus, he shrugged it off as something that is not a big deal.

I think it's interesting to see the different ways people think. I also find it very interesting how much I've changed my way of thinking when it comes to children and marriage. I used to be the type of person who wanted to find The Guy who would stay with me forever, for better or for worse, until death do us part. It was a priority in my life. But, after my first serious relationship ended a year ago (he broke it off), I've had a lot of time to think and a lot of time to read books on psychology, relationships, and break ups. I've come to the conclusion that I was trying to look for a guy who would never leave me. That's all I wanted. That was going to be good enough for me. Why? Because my father was never around while growing up, so I wanted to fill that void that was created from lacking a strong, protective male figure in my life. But, I've come to realize that the reality is that there is no "guy who will stay with you forever". We're all imperfect human beings. People change during the relationship, decide they've had enough of it, and leave. Or, they get into car accidents (or what have you) and die (thus, leaving you). Or, they find someone else and leave. And even if they stay with you forever, what guarantees you that you will be happy? What if you are miserable with that person? Does it mean you have to stay with them forever just because you are married?

I've thought a lot my relationships and just relationships in general. I used to think that I'd do everything possible to keep mine, sacrifices included. But, I think  good relationships do not require that much sacrifice (and I'm referring to big sacrifices, like career, happiness, etc). I made a lot of sacrifices during my relationship. I think it's a common thing. But is it worth it? Is it good to sacrifice? What if you sacrifice everything for that person and then that person leaves? I always think of Maria Shriver and how she gave up great career as a journalist for her marriage and she is left with nothing (career-wise). Then, 20 years later, after she gave it all, the relationship is over. That left a long-lasting impression on me, just like other similar relationships that I know of in real life.

So, as for me, I'd like to find someone who supports my career goals and dreams. I'd like to find someone who doesn't push me directly or indirectly to sacrifice things I consider important in my life. Finding someone to marry is not in my priority list. I'd rather be happy and alone than be miserable with someone. So, if I end up married, then great. If I don't end up married, then great. I know that I need to be happy by myself first and not miserable because of someone else. I feel that looking for happiness in a partner is like leaving somebody else in charge of your happiness. That's very unhealthy. If you leave other people in charge of your happiness and your life, then how are you going to have control over your own life? You should be happy alone first. At least that's what I've concluded.

As for kids, if I end up having them, then awesome. If I don't, then that's OK. Once again, having kids is not a priority in my life. Before I used to think that having a kid to leave on earth after I'd die would be great because my offspring would still be around and carry my genes and blood even when I was no longer on this earth. But, what does it matter to me if I am dead and cannot enjoy that? Why do people have kids? Is it because then they won't feel lonely anymore? Well, that may work for the first 18 years, but after that the kid becomes an adult and leaves, so that can't be it. I guess your offspring can sort of be a life-long project you can work on and love. Having kids is a huge responsibility that changes your life forever. I think that having kids can be an amazing experience, but again, I am not going to make this a priority in my life. If it happens, that's good. But, if it doesn't, that's good, too.

Lazy Sunday, but not really

So, Friday was interesting. It started off really well at lab. The grad student I work with started me off counting cells, pipetting some media, pipetting some cells - you know, the usual. In the pas I've made small mistakes, like pipetting 4.8 ml instead of 5.0 ml, and I get especially nervous when he stands behind to watch me. But anyway, he showed me how to pipet some media into a floor chamber. He also admitted that he was never able to do it well since he always made bubbles. He also mentioned that since it was "hard" and "tricky", he'd just show me and I'd just watch. He made bubbles every single time.

Then, I jumped in and said ,"Can I try?"

"Sure!", he said.

I sat down and tried it. And, I made no bubbles!!

Damn right. He even asked me to show him how I did it and I taught him my special tricks. So, that made my day.

Sometimes, I feel like he thinks I'm a girl or I'm inexperienced and I can't handle the "tricky" stuff, but I can. Or at least, I can try first and SEE whether I can or cannot. The other day I had asked him if I could help him with the lentivirus transduction/transferring of DNA, and he didn't show me. But, this same day, he let me pipet the virus! Anyway, I was a happy camper.

Then, after lab, I went back home and I was exhausted. I think I caught some diluted version of a cold. I ate, took super long nap, and woke up to the sound of my phone vibrating. It was Stephan, my HS friend. He wanted to see if I could hang out and have dinner with him and his gf. I figured I'd go, since it's been a long week and I need some time off from studying. So, I showered and then wore my Fifi Lapin shirt with some jeans. We had tons of fun. There were some awkward moments, like when my friend mentioned he hated his job and maybe 20 years down the road, he'd want to kill himself. There was awkward silence during that conversation. His gf didn't say anything, I didn't say anything. He was joking, but he was serious enough to doubt whether he was joking. It was the weirdest part of the night. There was another weird-ish part of the night where they talked about smoking weed. It's legal here, and I'm all for not telling people what to do when it comes to weed (we're all adults), but they sort of made fun of another guy who felt a little sick after doing some weed with them. Then, they half-jokingly encouraged me to try it with them. I went ahead and admitted I was a little proud of having never tried it, even though it sounded stupid and petty. But, it's true. After that, they left it alone. And quite frankly, I'm proud of myself for handling that well. I used to be afraid that I'd sound like a jerk, so I wouldn't say anything and I'd just stay quiet or just nod. But, I'm glad to now set some boundaries and let people know my opinions without being afraid they'll think I'm a jerk. If I can respect their opinions I certainly hope they can try and respect mine. If they don't, then that's that. Anyway, after chilling with them I came back home early at 11 pm and slept like a baby.

Yesterday, I studied some, but I also felt really lazy. I also felt really fat after eating ice-cream and pizza.

And, today, I will start studying. I just took a semi cold shower, so that should help me get started.

It's getting really hot here. I love the sun, I love this city, but I don't have AC here, so...*melt*

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